Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Shane) I used to fall over on purpose when I was little.
I loved having stingy stuff on my cuts.
Hugs.
A brand-new Mr Men plaster.
When I picked off my scabs to get more TLC, Mam sussed us out,
told me to do me own fucking first aid, stopped mothering me.
But I realised she was teaching us a lesson.
You've got to be a big boy, look out for number one, right?
But what happens if you can't take care of yourself?
One day, Chicken Licken... was playing under an oak tree...
when suddenly... an acorn fell on his head.
Poor Chicken Licken didn't know that it was an acorn.
He thought the sky was falling down... so he hurried off to tell the king.
This is serious!
Fucking Mimi!
Fucking Kelly!
- (Mimi) There's a queue out here. - Yeah, I won't be long.
I've got a bladder full of beer.
Sink. Empty it first, though.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Fuck's sake, Paddy.
Sleepwalking?
Improvising. Your father's moved into the bathroom.
Oh, you can tell number one son's moved back home!
- I have to piss in Yvonne's yard. - Oi.
Get a move on. I want us all there when they bring our Shane out of his coma.
I'm not sure I can be there.
- You what? - What if he doesn't wake up?
What if he's...special.
He'll be fine.
The doctor said there was low levels of brain activity.
We didn't need a scan to tell us that. Be a man and do as your mother says.
Right.
Please, God, our Shane won't wake up a cabbage.
But if it's His will...
..we stay strong.
OK?
Right. Chop-chop, upstairs.
Get ready, quick as you can.
BABY CRIES
Shh. Oh, Danny. She's crying!
Slow-hand, your sister!
Sorry, don't know that sort of crying.
It's not her hungry cry, so I can't feed her, it's not her "change me" sound,
and she slept all through the night, so she can't be tired.
Poor little thing.
Where is everyone?
No moleste...
- Debbie's doing her homework. - (Computer translates) Piss off.
Carl's getting ready for his footy match.
And, um... Dad's doing some housework.
Right, fetch everyone now, family conference.
All right, all right, listen up.
I've called us all together because your daughter's got thrush.
Are you OK with this being discussed?
Not me! Stella. She's got a mouth infection.
Someone's not been sterilising her bottles. She'll end up in social services.
I rinse 'em! I rinse 'em!
OK, look, we'll get her some antibiotics to clear it up, but this can't happen.
It's up to us to look after her now. Look, I've drawn up this rota, right.
Whoa, whoa, noise, noise... What's all this "us" and "we"?
Gallagher, Gallagher, Gallagher... benefit of the doubt...
Even Speedy Gonzales there, but you, fuck's it to you?!
Dad...
She loiters, scraps off our table, her mate's done one.
Why is she still here?
You need to look after Stella properly.
You're talking to a professional! I've raised more kids than Barnado's.
DOOR OPENS
Wake up, bruv!
Please don't be soft!
I'm just gonna get some fresh air.
- (Mimi) I'll keep watch. - He moved...I think.
There.
- I'll fetch the doctor. - Shane.
Can you hear me?
(Echoey voice) Oh, my baby. Shane, it's your mam.
Say something.
SHANE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY
Hiya, kid. How's the loaf?
It hurts.
Then there's...do...
do...
I can't...
move my hand.
What's wrong with me?
REVS ENGINE
All right, Norma! Even Danny can hear that one.
- I'm away, then. - OK.
- For good, like. - Take it easy.
Can you open this for us?
Aye.
Thanks.
Are you off, then?
Do you think I should stay?
If I had to stay out here for as long as you have, I'd want to go home.
- But this... This is my... - See ya.
- Don't like it! - Stop mucking around! Eat it!
Be a good girl for your mum, Katie.
She's looking pretty for you, too.
She's got a bit of colour in her cheeks.
Has she been on her jollies without telling?
Yeah, all right, Karen. I'll replace it.
I don't mind. It's just it's decent stuff, and a little goes a long way.
I wanted to try something darker. Joe goes on at me looking anaemic.
I wouldn't put up with that.
I don't. I fancied a change, that's all.
Who let you in?
Your cleaner. I told her I had a mad urge to snog me girlfriend.
Morning, beautiful.
- Big game today, innit? - Oh, aye.
We're gonna get stuck into this lot.
Have you been on a sunbed?
Out of a tub.
You know, trying a new look.
Well, I think she looks great.
Oh, sorry. Totally missed my cue there, didn't I?
(Patrick) Thanks doctor, I appreciate it.
You won't win Brain Of Britain, but you're coming home.
They need the bed.
You remembered what happened, don't you?
- You've not gone all Bourne Identity? - No.
(Slurred speech) Me and Kel, we were...
conning married men.
He's getting mixed up.
You...fooled 'em and I... I robbed 'em.
One cun...came and punched me.
You fucking devious tart, I should have known!
Drop it, Mimo.
This is between me and her!
- Are you OK? - Fine!
This bastard heartburn.
- This is mad. We should be celebrating. - Oh, I will.
And so will my son, without you.
He's coming home to get some proper care!
I can look after him.
Are you gonna feed him? Wash him?
Speech therapy? Physiotherapy?
Big difference dressing as a dirty nurse and wiping a dirty arse!
- That's enough. - I'm just giving her a chance to walk.
I know she's thinking about it.
I'm just nipping out. Be nice!
Aaah!
I'm telling you, boss, stick us up front
and keep playing me balls, like, er, over the top and I'll run all day, me.
Speed, creatine and Viagra. Reckons it'll make him more potent in front of goal.
I'm loving the commitment, Carlos,
but you might want to stick to more traditional methods of conditioning.
Karen? Have you got a sec?
Microwave, full power for a minute. Ta. Pre-match meal for the lads.
- I'm not fucking eating that! - You are eating it.
I'll do it.
What's he like?
- Wanker! - You reckon?
Captain of the footy team! Big fucking mick, calling all the shots.
Says "jump" and you jump.
- Or else... - Or else, what?
Er...
I dunno...
Play you leftback.
CHEERING
Nice one!
Wey-hey! Jonesy... Good man.
Local custom.
- He who jacks the bandit... - Fuck off!
What if he stays like this? He can't walk, can't talk.
People try not to look as he drags himself along the street.
He will get better. It's just gonna take time. And help.
Listen, I didn't exactly grow up dreaming of emptying colostomy bags all day.
Some patients really need your help. Can't do it theirselves.
Well, apart from the perverts who shit themselves just to get a bed bath.
Murder, aren't they?
You can do this. Your job's all about taking care of people.
Just see it as another personal service.
Anyway, I'd better get back
before management sub-contract me job out at twice the cost.
Oi! Watch where you're fucking going, all right? Fuck you!
Easy, bruiser.
You'll give me a heart attack.
Miss the target, you'll give yourself one.
You can't find a decent vein cos they've UV lights in here to stop 'em showing up.
You could always try your eye.
Or your nads.
Depends how much you need it.
- Or them, I suppose. - Leave me alone.
And let you collapse a vein? Can you imagine your missus?
(Imitates Mimi) "My Paddy dead on the bog,
"needle hanging off him, and you fucking knew he was using."
- You're enjoying this, aren't you? - Not really.
Come here... Looks like you got a bubble.
It makes no odds to me! I just want to check you're doing it right.
You should tell her...Mimo.
Give her a chance to fight for you,
cos when you need smack, no way can she compete.
Shane's coming back with me. Find a way of squaring that with his mam.
Fine.
Give it here!
And you let him do his own thing outside the family. No taxing.
OK.
It weren't a bubble. Syringe is cracked - it's useless.
Fuck off!
Where are you going?
What am I supposed to do?
It depends how desperate you are.
You could always neck it, wait for it to work...
Very funny. I need it now.
Give us ten bob.
PATRICK INHALES DEEPLY
ALARM BLARES
HE LAUGHS
Fire alarm, all visitors have to do one. Be back soon as. Be brave, son.
Where the fucking hell have you been?
You're soaking wet!
Devious slag!
There you go.
Are you all right?
- Cheers. - That's all right.
Let's get you comfy.
Pillows - up or down?
Up, I reck... You've been on your back more than me this past week.
- What's matter? - It's...bollocks.
- I'm a fucking retard. - Shh!
- Don't say that. - Look at me!
I can't...
I can't even talk.
What if...
What if I can't get better?
- You're gonna get right. - You don't know that.
I chuffing well do, cos I'm gonna fix you.
I can do this. You just need to trust me, OK?
- Beer's off. - So? Change it.
Can't you do it?
- Everything all right? - Fine.
Fancy going out tomorrow night?
It'll be good for me to get out of here, go for a dance and a proper chat.
- Yeah, I'll run it past Joe. - Why? What's it to him?
- He might have summat planned. - Won't hold my breath, then.
What's that supposed to mean?
You don't always have to do what Joe says.
- I know, Karen. - I'm just saying...
Well, don't bother!
- Ian...can you mind the bar for a minute? - Yeah.
I can't breathe. My heart's going like... the fucking clappers.
- Am I gonna die? - Could you try?
Then we could get this match abandoned instead of having to start a man down.
What the fuck is that?
Right! Ten minutes to kick-off.
DOOR OPENS
Yeah, all right, ref. I won't be a sec.
- If you're looking for Jamie... - I'm not here to see him.
Well, we're just about to kick off.
Well, you can go when I'm done.
You won't get everything your own way, tough guy!
Right, whatever, Karen.
I know what you've been up to,
- and it stops...right now. - You've lost me.
You don't think I know why Mandy slapped all that fake tan on her.
Listen to me... Whatever you two have been yapping about...
She said nothing.
- She doesn't have to. - Ah...
So it's all in your head, then, is it?
This is what happens when you've got too much spare time on your hands.
You need to get laid.
Take your hands off me!
- I'll scream and Jamie'll be here... - Oh, what? Him!
VOICES AND FOOTSTEPS
He's always the last out.
Superstitious.
- I'll chase him up, yeah? - All right, then, yeah.
Fuck's sake, Joe! It's getting cold out here, mate.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Just warming up, mate.
My hamstring's tighter than a banjo string. Just give us a sec, yeah.
- I'm gonna go for a piss. - Hurry up, mate.
The ref's gonna start without you.
DOOR SHUTS Fuck!
That were close.
- How did he get bored of that? - Fucking prick.
- What?! Fuck off! - Do you want a go at me now, an' all?
- What do you think I am? - I don't think... I know.
Touch Mandy again...
I would never hurt Mandy. Never!
Fuck me, people in glasshouses.
- You what? - You heard.
I've seen the way you treat Jamie, nipping at his head all the time.
The lad's a shadow of...
And I don't think you can really make threats now.
# Horsey, horsey, don't you stop Just take your feet down to the beer shop
# A couple of Es and a bucket of ale...
# Don't give a toss if you haven't got a tail
# Round and round and the wheels go round... #
(Woman) Hello!
- What? - Hello?
Fuck... All right!
You always were a grumpy bitch in the morning.
Ru! What are you dressed like a politician for?
I run the yard now - got to distinguish myself from the drivers somehow.
Oh...
- Jeez. - Well, can I come in?
Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry... I'm still in me...
What are you doing?
It came loose.
Fine! I'll put it back.
No...
Shane's flown the nest.
It's time I started looking after the ones under me nose.
- Good to have you back, Jamie. - Well, let's hope it's not for long, eh?
Moving back here at my age...
It's not exactly progress.
- Do you want to go home? - I don't...
I don't want it...ruining it for us.
It won't.
Sometimes...
shit's sent to test us.
Get through this, we'll get through owt.
And we will.
I promise. KNOCK ON DOOR
Got a sec?
Practise your "P" sounds, eh? Puh, puh...
Puh...
Puh.
Fancy giving him a break? Backlog.
I just want to get somewhere so he don't lose heart. Let me crack on for a bit.
Puh.
All right.
I've got an idea.
We're gonna play a little game of blow footy. Watch the lips.
I want you to put the ball between the p-p-p-posts.
Use what's left of your imagination.
Puh...
- Puh... - Puh, puh, puh...
- Puh... - Puh.
Again. Breathe.
- Puh... - Go on.
- Puh. - Puh!
Puh...
- Let me help the girls out for a bit. - No, fucking...
- One more go, come on. - OK.
- Go on, big shot. - Puh!
Go-o-al!
SHE LAUGHS
I fucking love your heart, Shane Maguire.
- Diddo. - Ditto.
Right.
Let's do some work on your Ts, eh?
Kettle's boiled.
- Sorry. - Like what you've done with the place.
Ah, it's my mother's old stuff.
Never quite got round to throwing it away.
- Home from home! - Oh, I'm not that far, actually.
That's me regular gaff over there.
What's going on?
Nothing. Everything's grand.
- I'm just...between... - Between what?
Lives, I suppose.
Did you love her?
Probably too much.
She fucked off, of course.
Lately, I just don't know where I'm supposed to be.
I'm like the shit on the shoe of this family and they...
try and scrape us off, but I'm always fucking there, you know, lingering.
I don't know why I'm still fucking there.
You're not shit.
This tea, on the other hand, almost certainly is.
Come on. Let's go back to my place, brew a decent cuppa, get you fed.
Have a shower, maybe.
You're amongst friends, mate.
Cheers.
That's "fuck off"...
Lillian!
Fuck off yourself!
- Skinny bint! - So what's "fuck me", then?
You're living rent-free at his place and you're charging him for babysitting?
Well, it's a full-time job.
And you don't give a toss where the money's coming from, or about him.
I think you need to buy this old man a drink, son.
- Mark it. - Mark what?
I have never been so proud of you.
Oi, Carl!
Er...lager, please.
(Jamie) All six goals came from us messing up. We just switched off.
- As for fuckwit here... - You can't blame me.
I wasn't even on the pitch!
Any thoughts from the captain?
It's obvious what the problem is, mate. Spineless.
No fight. A bunch of fucking pussies.
- Piss off! - Problem, Carlos?
Joe...
Finally! A reaction!
A bit harder on the pitch, and less hard-ons off.
Don't! My chub's only just gone down!
LAUGHTER
Fancy doing summat tonight?
- Don't want to put you out. - You're not.
Be good to get away from here for a bit.
Get me mam to mind Katie.
THEY LAUGH
Not even a text to say he'd slept OK,
asked after us.
Selfish slut!
I'm sorry, am I boring you?
- Just tired. - You're always tired.
He's only been there a day.
Poor girl's probably got her work cut out.
It's not right. Sons need their mothers.
THEY SPIT
- What the hell are you doing? - Speech therapy.
He's re-learning how to make "tuh" sounds.
Already got him "peeing".
- Making a fool of him. - I'm making him better.
If the boy's improving...
Why are you siding with her all of a sudden?
Just trying to keep the peace.
Whenever you want home, your ma's hotpot in front of the box, just say the word.
If he can pronounce it!
What's with t'face?
I just...realised...
you're only doing it...doing this to get one over on me mam!
No! I'm not.
OK, I wanted to prove a point, but I want you to get better!
Because you can't stand seeing me like this!
No!
Stop feeling...
sorry for me...
I don't want your...
..fucking pity!
Sorry, I dozed off.
You must have needed it.
- Anything? - What? Oh, no.
- Just checking the time. - But no messages?
No.
- Well, you've done well for yourself, Ru. - Luck, not design.
A fella bought it at auction and then didn't have the cash to see it through.
- It's nice. - Oi!
You're the only person to ever call me Ru, do you know that?
A fella in the office did for a while, but I nipped it.
So when did you come off the lorries?
I was never a bull-dyke. Driving weren't for me.
Kept getting me nails caught in the pallet!
Eh, it's funny how things turn out, eh?
Things haven't turned out like anything. Life's a work in progress.
You can always make changes.
- What? - Will you stop it?
You're gonna give me a heart attack, or yourself an...amputation!
Sorry.
It's just Shane's skank's taking the piss. And your dad's on her side.
Jamie can't stand to be here.
It's like it's open season on me.
- It's not. - You say anything to please people.
Have done all your life.
No, I don't!
You don't know nothing about me! How I'm feeling, who I'm with.
- You haven't got a clue! - Twist the knife, son!
I'm not having a go, but... will you stop feeling sorry for yourself?
You're supposed to be our mam.
Yeah. You're right.
And while I'm here, that junkie's giving my Shane rehab!
I brought him into this world, I can give him life again!
Nobody loves a son like his mam.
Ever talk to me like that again and you'll be gargling with your testicles, right?!
Right!
Baby step...
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, my baby!
Oh, my baby! Almost there!
You think that's making my son better?!
..Sake! Shane's resting.
On the fucking floor! I'm taking him home for some normality!
Very normal, your house(!)
Get that in order before you come round here cussing me!
You're a smackhead slag!
Living in a fucking knocking shop!
How's hubby doing? You pull me up for neglecting Shane
while your man's wasting away in front of your very eyes!
- He's got a bug. - And I'm Mary Poppins!
Nice to fucking meet you! Take the blinkers off, Mimi!
You poisonous bitch!
- I'm gonna fucking kill you! - He's a smackhead!
That's why he's so wasted.
I seen him. I had to help, he was so desperate.
You think you're all that.
Mother fucking Superior!
Your family's in bits!
Maybe you should take a look in the mirror.
Enough...
I've got a spare room.
You could move in here until you get yourself sorted out.
Or longer.
I don't think I'm ready for that, Ru. It's a bit....
I'm not proposing. There's no civil ceremony on the cards!
Just trying to help out.
No strings.
Why are you doing this?
As I recall, when we split up, you weren't too happy.
You popped me cherry. At least, me dyke cherry.
It was a bit of a confusing time.
I know I behaved like a dick.
Haven't we all?
You've nothing to worry about.
I don't believe in love.
It becomes a dead weight round your neck before long.
I look after me, these days, and...
if there's a bit of something along the way, then...
..all the better.
..Three.
I know I've been a numpty.
And pushy.
I just wanted you back faster.
I'd love you if you were lame, mute, and seeing ten of me.
Two is more than enough!
So are we mates again?
I forgive ya.
Fuck off! Let me have a "fit" in peace, will you?!
Sh-Sh-Shit!
I thought you were with Shane.
- It's not what you think. - I'm sick of hearing lies.
It wasn't my fault.
Don't get high on your own supply - golden rule.
That's what separates us from them.
I fucked up.
Never went to Spain. Never even got on the flight.
They shafted us.
Stuck a hood over my head.
Tortured me.
On our remaining children's lives.
- I want names. - They're long gone.
- Very convenient! - They tricked me.
Pumped me full of smack till I was hooked.
And tossed me on the streets with this fucking curse!
To remind me of how stupid I was.
Drug dealers don't shove needles in the competition for no reason!
Please...believe me...
I don't know anything any more.
Don't know who me kids are.
If they're happy or not.
Why?
I don't know what shit you're in, but you're clearly lying.
I'm not.
I don't know who I am.
When did I become surplus to requirements?
Is this my fault? Am I to blame?
No.
Jesus, no!
So what do you make of Joe, then?
- Really? - He's nice.
You weren't saying that yesterday! Said he was bossing me.
- God, how strong is that?! - Karen!
Considering my current circumstances, I am not really the best judge.
Come on! Bloke free night - remember?
Whoooo!
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
Anything important?
It's just Liam. Wants to know if I've seen the remote for the telly.
Cheeky bastard.
You know what you were saying earlier about not believing in love?
Did you mean that?
You're born alone and you die alone.
Anything else is just a romantic notion.
Maybe.
But living with no hope...
Look after number one. You don't need to rely on hope.
I'm not the world's greatest optimist, but that's a bit of a cold outlook.
Kept you warm enough earlier on.
It's like shutting down a whole area of life for yourself.
You're not replying?!
Well, I know where it is.
DOOR OPENS
Not now.
I'm not here to fight. I said some stuff you just don't say to, like...
- Me. - Yeah.
Well, the mother-in-law, kinda.
I went too far.
Sorry.
Is he in?
- And does he know that you know? - Oh, yeah.
It's for the best. You don't want to do this by yourself.
Fucking gobshite! None of your business.
Keep your voice down. Don't blame her.
At least she had the bottle to say.
- Where are you going? - Just let me do it my way.
- I'll wean myself off. - Christ!
I hate this as much as you.
But I've been away too long.
Rivals are circling, and I can't stay at home waiting for this to pass.
- We've survived worse than this. - There is no worse than this.
This family needs you.
I won't be long.
Fine, go.
But don't come back.
Go to bed, Paddy. You can sleep through it.
You need us.
Think about it.
You know how this ends.
Should I let the bastard go?
He's trying.
- There's still a chance. - He's had his chance.
I know you feel betrayed,
but all the time, you see, you're stewing, it's time wasted.
You can help him.
But you have to act now.
LAUGHTER
Right, this way.
- Oh, man down. - Fuck's sake!
- Right... Right... - Jamie, fetch her a brew.
- Good night, then? - You?
- Nah, it was quiet. - Did you miss us?
- Obviously. - I bet.
So, Joe, when's our next match?
A week Saturday. Why, are you gonna pop down?
Will I get to come in the changing room?
No fun otherwise.
No fun at all. Their arses aren't exactly Premiership standard.
Who's looking at the arses?
- Behave. - Gonna make me?
What? I'm only messing with him.
You're all right with that, aren't you, Joe?
- Yeah. - You two get off. I'll see to her.
What, you?
Right, I think we should call it a night and go back to mine.
Maybe I should stay.
- See you tomorrow, Karen. - Yeah.
(Jamie) Right...let's get you upstairs.
Fuck off!
I can walk.
Hey... Put your arm round me.
You got a diary full of appointments?
No. I'm going home.
Eh?
- Where? - To them. To the kids.
You happy just to be a doormat?
There are moments.
Tiny, maybe, but good ones.
Like to leave my gear in the yard, though, just in case.
You're always welcome.
The only place Stella actually settles is The Jockey.
It doesn't mean you have to sit in there all day pissing away the housekeeping!
- It's a business, not a shelter. - What are we gonna do for food?
How are we gonna feed Stella?
With my money.
From the lorries. I'm home.
Oh, yeah. Norma left.
I love you.
I'll even put up with his shit, because my heart is here, and that's what matters.
I think you'll find names on leases matters more, legally.
All I'm asking for is a shelf in the fridge,
some space for me shite round the bath and maybe a bit of sensitivity now and then.
In return, I'll chip in a quarter of me take-home.
I've got a...12.30 kick-off.
BABY CRIES
We missed you.
"Missed you". God, you're easily bought, son.
(Shane) We all need a hand every now and again.
Some more than others and...
- You're getting there. -..whether we like it or fucking not...
Fuck!
..whether it's having straggly little bits of hair held up when we're throwing up...
..being, like, hugged when we feel shit.
Nobody can get by on their own.
- Oh! Oh, man! - Lock on the door costs extra.
Oh, you dirty...
Oh...fuck me!
In your dreams.